Decisions

What does the future hold? In May, P. and I will have (theoretically) completed our respetive academic programs. (Much to my chagrin, she will be a "doctor" and I will be only, well, a "master"; actually, master sounds more important. Don't you think?) At that time we will have to make some decisions about the next few years and possibly beyond. I've never been good at making decisions, especially big ones. For being the big picture kind of guy I claim to be, I sure am pretty devoid of big plans.

My style of leadership in marriage is to make ad hoc decisions and then work feveriously to provide some sort of rationale that commands assent. A friend of mine graciously put a positive spin on this by noting that this is what makes us so flexible. (Thanks, Jas.) Unfortunately, I think this is really a reflection of my inability (unwillingness?) to sense God's will in matters. Long ago I latched onto the idea propounded by another friend that God's will is something worked out in our lives as we walk with him, and not a plan to that he always reveals to us. There is much truth to this--though my wife doesn't like this concept--but perhaps in my life this has become an excuse for doing what seems right to me.

And what seems right to me, or my desires, are part of my decision-making rationale. Because I am so much a prisoner of my own thoughts, I can't seem to access the mind of God, and thus am only able to fall back on dreams. These dreams I then deem to be desires that God has placed on my heart. You can see how this works; it's all very circular. (Yet another friend, upon hearing my doubts about my own "dreams theory," advised that I trust but verify--though scripture and prayer. Why can't I come up with such advice?)

All this is to say that I have a bad history when it comes to big decisions, and several are on the horizon. I (we) want our decision(s) to be grounded in God's will--whatever that means. The temptation is to be moved by practical concerns which, in my disillusionment with the way of illusion (idealism?), sounds like a safe and pretty nice way to make a decision at this point.