Looking Outward, part 1 (On the "T")

Why is it so hard to be personal? The other day I was riding on the "T"--the train/trolley/subway for those of you unfamiliar with the Boston transit lingo--next to a female co-worker of mine. Though we were standing right next to each other, we nearly didn't speak with each other. As it happens, before the train arrived, I saw her standing on the platform as I was coming down the stairs. For whatever reason, I decided that I didn't want to speak with her, and deliberately stopped walking so that I would board the train at a location different from her, even though I get along with her well and have stood and conversed with her on the train ride home on numerous occasions. This night, however, I avoided her like the plague.

My plan failed once on the T, though. At one of the stops, the individual standing next to me disembarked, and, as I glanced over, I saw my co-worker less than two feet away from me. The pitiful thing is that I entertained the hope of avoiding her even now by pretending not to see her. The situation was impossibly awkward. I am certain that as I knew she was there, she too realized I stood next to her. Eventually I judged the status quo untenable since we had about 10 stops left before mine, and I initiated a conversation, acting as if I just then spotted her.

It's easy for me to justify my actions. I was tired and a bit grumpy after a long days work and the last thing I wanted to do was force myself to socialize. Being social is difficult enough for me as it is. But the more I reflect on this episode, the more I realize how often I avoid reaching out to engage other people; how little motivated I am to touch a person where he or she lives, in that person's world. Of course I need my recouperation time, as I tell myself, but I fear that I'm not energized enough by Christ's life within me. If I were, I'd be able to act out of his sufficiency, enabled to see the needs of other persons without having to think at every moment what benefit there is for me in this or that relationship or encounter.